Blog Resurrection

Wow. I knew it had been a while since I posted, but I didn't realize it had been more than three years. 

I decided to resurrect this blog so I could post some of the work I'm doing in my classes. I'm in three classes right now:

• Digital Content Creation through Ensign College (formerly known as LDSBC)
• Adobe Creative Communicator through the U
• User Experience/Interface (UX/UI) Design through the U

I didn't mean to get all three at once, but sometimes when it rains, it pours. 

Here's a project I did for the Creative Communicator course: My COVID Story

I also did an audio series about Atticus for the content creation course. I'll post those soon. This week we start on video. I'm not sure what my topic will be for that one.

Hope you like it.

Atticus's Latest Adventures

I'm going to go in reverse order just for the heck of it.

THE OPERA
Atticus's class created an opera, "The Legend of the Tumbleweed," through a partnership with Utah Opera, and they performed it at the Rose Wagner Theater downtown as part of a showcase with two other schools.  Here's my favorite part:

Atticus is standing in the back to the right. I wasn't quick enough to catch the previous line, which is, "We are here now safe and sound. In this cave we will never be found." See, the peaceful Sekoa tribe had just begun their spring festival to celebrate the flowers blooming in the desert when the shaman's evil twin brother, Black Elk, comes and tries to throw down. He gets banished, but the tribe apparently still feels threatened, because they decide to seek shelter in a cave. And then I guess there's a storm? Anyway, it's pretty dramatic.

This is the 5th year this teacher has done an opera as part of a unit on legends and storytelling. She gives the class the basic characters and rules (setting, conflict, resolution), and each child writes his or her own legend. She then took something from each story and created the libretto for the opera. I think Atticus's contribution was a cliff. His story included the chief getting poisoned and someone having to climb the cliff to get a flower that would provide the antidote. Which is certainly more dramatic than Mia and her mother getting lost in a storm, but who am I to judge?

Anyway, the performance was a really Big Deal, and even though Atticus was nervous and said he didn't want to perform downtown because he felt "too important" on stage, he had a fantastic time. It didn't hurt that the class and families met at a restaurant next to the theater beforehand for dinner. It was total pandemonium, but the kids had a great time, and I finally got to talk shout across the table to the mom of the kid in his class who lives in our neighborhood.

My sister Erin came, which was a treat for Atticus. When the performers came off the stage to give flowers to the audience, he gave his to her.

COMIC CON
James and Atticus went to Comic Con last weekend, and Atticus spent Saturday as Link. He bought the Master Sword on Friday, so he felt his costume was complete. He debated about getting the shield but decided he didn't want to carry it around.

They saw who they wanted to, and Atticus got to ask the creators of Rogue One why everyone had to die at the end, and they actually had an answer: they actually filmed a version of the ending where the girl gets away, but the writers insisted that at the end of Episode 4, there's a medal ceremony for everyone who helped destroy the Death Star, and no one from Rogue One was there. So they clearly had to have not survived. Makes sense, I guess.

THE HAIR

Atticus has reached the age where it's time to figure out who he is as an individual. He's concerned about what's mature, what's cool. And, happily, he's not too affected by what his peers think. For a couple weeks he wore a green bucket hat we found when cleaning out his closet. It didn't go with anything he wore, but it had skulls on it, so it was cool. I was happy to see that go, especially since it covered his eyes and ears halfway, and he's already not great at listening and watching where he's going.

Anyway, the latest manifestation is his hair. We had just gotten him a really nice looking haircut, where it was still long on top and the bangs framed his right eye so nicely. A week later he decided to part it the other direction, creating a messy mop with weird long bits covering his left ear. And the bangs flipped up. Goodness, he loves that flip:

He had to document it in about 20 photos on my phone. It's serious business.

He asked what we thought, and we told him we thought it looked dumb, but it's his head, so it's up to him. That's been my approach to most things like this: I'll tell you honestly what I think, but the decision is up to you. I did ask him to make one compromise and comb it the other way for church. Deal.

It's been so interesting to watch this boy grow up. I look forward to many years of figuring him out.

A Very Happy Birthday

Atticus and I both had birthdays this past week. We both got bikes:

And they both happen to be green. And the weather has been lovely enough to go on a couple longer rides along the Jordan River Parkway. I'm actually starting to discover my neighborhood.

Saturday was my birthday, and it was probably the best birthday I've had in quite a while.

It started with morning snuggle time with James. And no, that's not a euphemism for anything, it's just what it sounds like. In the early years of our marriage, when the last person got home from work, one of us would yell "snuggle call!" and we'd go jump on the bed and snuggle and talk about nothing in particular while listening to records on James's turntable, usually Leonard Cohen or side B of Abbey Road or maybe Johnny Cash's new stuff. Sometimes it was for a few minutes, sometimes it was a couple hours. It was my favorite part of the day. But life gets more complicated and eventually the turntable got moved to another room and snuggle time fell by the wayside. 

So I was thrilled to bring it back Saturday. The turntable is still downstairs, but I found Songs from a Room on Spotify and played it on my iPad. Atticus joined us for a few minutes but then went off to watch animé in the living room. It was just like the old days, except now we had iPads.

Eventually it was time to get up, and I put on my favorite outfit and went to a friend's Lula Roe party to exchange a shirt. I don't like most of their patterns, but there's one style of skirt I like and I found it in a cute pattern in my size. Snagged it. Wore it to church Sunday and to work Monday and felt awesome. Happy birthday to me!

Next was brunch at Les Madeleines. I love brunch. This was especially tasty. I had a Spanish-themed open-face sandwich with Serrano ham, manchego cheese, grilled asparagus, and a medium-cooked egg. With a green salad and a buttery pastry on the side. Atticus needed some help finishing his french toast, so I *had* to eat a piece of cinnamon swirl bread soaked in an orange custard. 

Then it was Atticus's turn. We needed to find him a bike. We had purchased my bike the night before (on clearance for half the price I was prepared to pay!!), and he'd fallen in love with a $300 mountain bike. I can't bring myself to spend that much on a bike he's going to outgrow in a few years, so we had to find an alternative. I wasn't sure we were going to make it--we went to three stores with no success and a few tears--when finally we found the green bike. It wasn't the color he hoped for, but it's the right size and style and we could take it home that day. Sold!

We went to couple bakeries to find me a birthday cake, then came home and rested for a bit. Then came the big event: James had found out that the Pioneer Theater Company was performing Chess, so he bought tickets. I love this man. When I was in college, a BYU student group performed Chess in a small theater-in-the-round. I'd never heard of it, just went with friends, but I fell in love. Went back a second time, then went back and hovered outside the door to see if they'd let me in during intermission. They did. Wore out the soundtrack. I remember lamenting with my sister Susan that it probably wouldn't be performed professionally anymore because the Cold War is over and stories about Russian defectors and the KGB are kind of passé. Then Josh Groban did a concert version for PBS. He did a good job, but, well, it's Josh Groban, and he'll never be Anatoly. So I was thrilled to see it here.

I was a little nervous when I learned that it would also be a concert performance, but they still did quite a bit of staging and sets, even though the performers carried their scripts and music with them. A couple flubbed lines, but otherwise unnoticeable. Except when Florence is singing her guts out about how angry she is, and I expect her to throw that binder at Freddy, and she doesn't because it's not actually a prop. Oh, and a guy in the chorus looked just like my brother-in-law Thaddeus, especially in the "One Night in Bangkok" number. I was mad he hadn't told me he was in town, but of course it wasn't him. He would have been just as fabulous, I'm sure. :)

Afterward we picked up Atticus from my friend's house and went home to crash. I'm still not used to the idea of being 44, but my birthday kind of makes up for it.

Atticus's birthday was Tuesday. It's hard to do much on a school day, but he made sure to do extra homework on Monday so he could skip it on Tuesday. He opened his presents when he got home: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time video game from us (plus the bike), and the Ocarina of Time books from Grandma and Grandpa. He got money from Nana and Grandpa Clarence, and he plans to spend it on Link's master sword at Comic Con this weekend. When this boy likes something, he goes all in. He got to choose dinner, so we went to a Chinese buffet and then to Baskin Robbins for dessert. Extra snuggles at bedtime. 

He's going to have a friend party in a couple weeks, so it feels like we haven't really celebrated yet. He wants to have it at our house, which is nice in a way, but then I look at how much we need to do to make our backyard presentable, and I get a little daunted. But it's not about impressing anyone, right? It's about giving 8 kids a fun afternoon, and I can't imagine they care about last year's leaves piled up against the fence. They just want to run around and smack a piñata and eat cake. I can do that. We may break out the disco ball and let them dance in the basement. We'll see. 

We Bennetts know how to party.

James has a new car!

I was waiting to get a picture of James next to his new car, but I'm really bad at taking pictures, so if you want to hear from me you'll have to get used to not seeing many photos. Sorry. This happened in January.

We have finally replaced James's 1997 Geo Prism. It was a good car that served us well. But it wasn't going to pass inspection this year, and we really didn't want to put more money into it.

The new one is a 2014 Hyundai Elantra with 31K miles on it. It has all sorts of bells and whistles that the Prism didn't, like *gasp* a CD player! And cruise control! We will most likely drive this car on our longer road trips now that my Subaru has more than 100K miles.

I have to say it will take me some time to get used to having a blue car. My family has always favored red cars. Or green. In high school I drove a neon green Ford Fiesta, and our first Subaru was a bright sage-y green. I miss those cars...

The only blue car I've ever driven was an ancient tank of a Crown Victoria. I loved that car. It laughed at the snow, and the seats were so plush and comfy. I remember listening to the Hunchback of Notre Dame soundtrack with my sister Susan, and we both yelled "SANCTUARY!!" at the right time in the song. Of course that car almost died on Susan, overheating on every hill between Idaho Falls and Salt Lake. But the trip wasn't a total loss, because she ended up marrying the guy she went to see. So yeah, it was a good car.

I hope this blue car brings us at least as many happy memories.

The problem with savings.

I thought I set up the auto-post for this to go up in January, but I guess it didn't. Here it is now.

So we've been saving up for our family reunion this summer. I was really proud of myself for thinking ahead and figuring out how much to save each month and actually doing it. I loved watching that account grow, knowing we wouldn't use credit or debt for the trip.

Then it came time to pay for the reservations. I was able to pay in full, which was very satisfying.

But now that account is empty. It makes me sad to look that $28 balance. The account's not dead; we're still saving for future vacations. We hope to take another small trip this summer and maybe a bigger trip in 2018.

I finally understand that old saying about having cake. Maybe I just need to save twice as much so I can eat half the cake and still have some. I'll have to work on that...

This Kid.

Here are a few things I want to remember about Atticus.

• We bought some dolls and toys around Christmas to donate to the homeless shelter, and Atticus liked the baby dolls enough that he made one for himself. He named it Joe. Atticus has grown attached to our neighbor, who is named Joe. And apparently there's a Joe in the show he's currently watching, so baby Joe it is. He's lying on a blanket.
• 
• He's currently afraid of elevators. And ghosts. And public bathrooms. But he's no longer afraid of the characters from the video game Five Nights at Freddy's, which he's never actually played or watched anyone play. But the logo and the licensed apparel he's seen at school were apparently enough. He will go on the biggest, scariest roller coasters and have no problem watching orcs and alien monsters in movies, but whatever you do, don't make him get into an elevator. Or watch a clip from A Christmas Carol. *sigh*
• We were cleaning his room Friday when he mentioned that he wanted to create a little library/reading nook under his loft bed. I thought it was a great idea, so we went to IKEA on Saturday and got him a bookshelf and repurposed a lamp, and he's got a cozy little spot under there now. As we were brushing our teeth he asked, "Why did you get me that shelf?" He'd asked me that about three times already, so I told him again that I just liked his idea. Should I NOT have gotten him the shelf? And he said, "No, I just didn't think it would ever actually come true." Yep, son, sometimes you DO get what you want.
• James and I went to the temple Friday, and Atticus went to hang out with my visiting teacher and her 14-year-old son. On the way to the door, Atticus said, "I don't want you to leave." Me: "Why not? You'll have a great time here." Him: "I'm afraid you won't come back." Me: "Atticus, we're just going to the temple. I will always come home to you." Him: "But maybe there will be a shooting at the temple." Me: "If I have to crawl on my hands and knees, I will come home to you." *smiles* (He had so much fun, it was hard to get him to leave.)
• Saturday night we went to a blues/jazz performance by 97-year-old local legend Joe McQueen and his band. (It was fantastic.) Atticus wasn't thrilled about it until he heard the words "refreshments booth." During the second number James gave him some cash and sent him for snacks. He came back with a Sprite and a Twix and was happy for the rest of the show. Or at least most of the show. We left before it was over, and he fell asleep in the car on the way home.
• He was so tired because he didn't get to bed until 10 the night before. Then he came into our room at 6:00 in the morning, wearing his Link costume. We told him to go back to bed, and he said he'd woken up at 5:00 and had already been waiting FOREVER before coming in. Duuuude. Get some sleep. 
• While I was taking a nap on Sunday, Atticus decided to create a restaurant called "Home Servis Inn." I woke up to a boy in a sweater vest and a dishtowel belted around his waist for an apron. He had a name tag and handed me a menu of snacks I could order (I went for the "walnut yum yums" and a glass of water). He was very professional about it. We had a very simple dinner planned, so I decided to extend the game by letting him serve us dinner in his restaurant. I talked him through reheating everything, then placed my order at the hosting counter. He seated us when it was ready. We had placemats and nice glasses and artistically arranged veggies. And he insisted that he had to eat after we were done because he's the server.

I just realized that most of this occurred in one weekend. That's my boy. I love this kid.

Christmas Report

We had a cozy Christmas. Here are a few highlights and photos:

FAMILY
James's Aunt Connie invited us to her family Christmas party. Connie is Tom's oldest sister, and she is the only extended family member to come to our wedding (she also lived the closest, in Paris, Idaho). We reconnected with her a couple years ago when we were invited to her 80th birthday party. Her husband was in the Air Force, so somehow most of her kids and grandkids settled in Utah near Hill AFB. When her health started failing, she came to live with her daughter Mary. We had no idea they all lived so close.

Atticus always looks forward to hanging out with Max at these gatherings. Max is Atticus's second cousin once removed. Max's grandfather is James's cousin. To make sense of the relationship,  I had to put it in Poulson terms: it's the same as if Mike's daughter Aubrey and her kids were invited to the Langston family party. The age gap between Aubrey and Tyler is about the same as the difference between James and Max's grandpa. Kinda blows my mind, but to Atticus, he's just a kid to play with.

Speaking of Mike and Aubrey, we spent Christmas Eve with their family. Of course I didn't take any pictures, but I did get a picture of the bûche de Noël I made:

It's grain free and low carb, from this recipe (I didn't add the coffee and orange flavoring). I thought it was pretty good, but James deemed it "passable." Henry (who's diabetic) said it tasted "too healthy" and went for the peppermint brownies I brought instead. The chocolate ganache was pretty dark, which made it less appealing to kids. Hence the brownies.

We had a great time. My sister Erin was also there, which always is a treat. Dinner was delicious, and I brought some "minute to win it" games to play after dinner while Mike and Raylyn cleaned up. We did the Oreo-on-your-face one, the "draw a picture on your head" one, and the "knock down the cans with the ornament tied to your butt" one. Afterward we watched a video Raylyn used at a Relief Society gathering that compares Jacob Marley's chains to the chains we all carry in life and how Christ offers us freedom from those chains. Atticus freaked out about Marley's ghost, but we survived. Mike read the Christmas story from Luke, and we all got to write down our gift for Jesus this year. They keep all the cards in a box so they can reminisce about past years and see how they did. I'm totally borrowing that tradition for next year. Then we exchanged gifts, gave hugs, and headed home.

CHRISTMAS DAY

It was raining, maybe just barely snowing, when we got home, and when we woke up Christmas morning, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a beautiful blanket of snow.

I couldn't stop looking. It was beautiful and quiet and so peaceful. 

A neighbor ran his snowblower down the sidewalk for most of the block, 

for which we were very grateful.

It's not Christmas without Legos and a puzzle. The kitty is Pookie, and it was the runaway hit of the year. The Boy's a bit obsessed with cats these days. It was something he didn't ask for but that I knew he'd love. I even made a bed and blankie for her. James also surprised him with a cat calendar that happened to come with a mini kitten calendar. Total WIN.

After presents and breakfast, James and Atticus attacked the snow.

We got a record 9 inches. The accumulation on our driveway was deeper than that. James swears it was two feet, but that might be a bit of an exaggeration based on what it felt like he was moving.

 James is wearing his Chthulu/barbarian balaclava I got him for Christmas. 

Atticus is rocking that snow angel.

This is a happy boy.

I came out for a while to keep them company, and we got talking with our neighbor Joe, who was also digging himself out. It was a fun way to celebrate. I came inside to make cocoa and rub garlic and herbs over our dinner roast. After everyone came in and got warm and cleaned up, we went to church. It was a beautiful addition to our Christmas celebrations. It helped that church started at 1:00, so it hit right at the time that we would normally get restless and bored. Came home to a nice dinner, Skyped with family, then settled in for our Lord of the Rings marathon.

I couldn't have asked for more.

A Charitable Christmas

Ever since Atticus got old enough to get excited about presents, I've struggled with how to make Christmas more about giving than receiving. I come up with great ideas in the summer, but once November hits, between end-of-year work escalation and holiday crafting and (often) getting sick, it falls to the wayside.

But this year everything fell into just the right place. The Church's "Light the World" campaign got us thinking about service, and Atticus found little ways to help. He asked to give a dollar to a homeless person and looked forward to putting money in the Salvation Army bucket at the grocery store. My visiting teacher gave us a little manger and straw, where you add straw for every act of service. Atticus wrote notes and left secret gifts for me and James just so he could add some straw.

Plus, our gift requests were inexpensive this year, so we had extra funds in the Christmas savings account. Rather than roll it into next year or to another account (so tempting!), I decided to use it to serve. We made donations to the food bank and the homeless shelter, but I wanted something more tangible as well. So I looked up the list of most-needed items at the shelter and went shopping. Walking out of the store with a cart full of stuff I knew people actually needed, I felt giddier than I had all season. Later we took Atticus to Wal-Mart to pick out toys to donate. He got in the spirit and never once asked for anything for himself. Then we took everything to the shelter. It was fun.

I've decided to make this an annual tradition. When Atticus is older we can help serve meals and interact more with the people we're serving, but for now this is good. And I'd like to do more for our neighbors and friends. And for years I've been wanting to fill shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child, but you have to drop them off before Thanksgiving, so it's not on my radar soon enough. I made a note in my planner to order the shoeboxes in July, so maybe it will happen this year. And Atticus is old enough now to help without getting greedy (man, does that kid love STUFF).

I'm getting excited about the possibilities. And that's the most fun of all.

Successes

Atticus has figured out cartwheels!

Atticus has been working on his cartwheel for more than a year, with little success. He would try and try and end up in a heap on the floor every time. Then we started him in gymnastics in September, and I honestly didn't see any progress during class. And then the other day he does this. I was so excited for him! He GOT it!! And he was pretty proud of himself, as well.

Then the next day, I rode a bike for the first time since my surgery. I was just going to try out the bike and see how it went, but it felt so good that I had Atticus get his scooter and we went a couple miles up the Jordan River Trail. The weather was beautiful, and it was so nice to be out, just him and me. I was sore for a couple days, both ankle and thighs, but it was worth it. 

I'm walking without a brace now. I still have a bit of a limp, and my left leg is still significantly weaker than my right, but I'm making progress. I have to remind myself that slow progress is still progress. And if I'm not strong enough to hike the trails next spring, that just means more time for biking.

I'm not the mother I thought I'd be.

A recently-divorced friend told me the other day that she is experiencing mom-related insecurity for the first time ever, feeling threatened and resentful of friends who seem to be doing it better than she is. She never had it, or at least not in the same way, before she was divorced.

Part of me was shocked that she hasn't felt it before now--hasn't every mother felt that from her child's infancy? And then I thought back to my own feelings about motherhood. My style of motherhood in particular.

Before children, and even before marriage, I knew I wanted to be a mother, and I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be a lot like my sister Susan: she is completely devoted to her children. She doesn't work outside the home; she plans and cooks healthy, varied meals; she has chickens and a big garden and makes strawberry jam and even bakes bread sometimes.

We are also very different--where she is more scientific minded and carefully monitors her children's development (in a very good way, mind you), I wanted to be more artistic and free-spirited. I wanted to dig mud pits and build forts and do big messy art projects. I wanted to sew clothes and knit and spin and weave and maybe one day start a goat dairy. I wanted to mother like Amanda Soule from the Soule Mama blog (minus the homeschooling--you have to draw the line somewhere).

I am not that kind of mother.

I work away from home 20-30 hours per week, and I love it. I absolutely love my job (in general--not always day-to-day). As a writer for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I get to use and expand my talents in a very real, satisfying way. I have an opportunity to study and teach principles that can change lives for the better, including my own. I get to work with some very creative and spiritually-minded people, and even though we don't always agree, we do great work together.

I used to love to cook, but now dinner is a chore. We eat out more than we should. I have a hard time keeping up with the clutter. I am immensely blessed to have a husband who does the laundry and the dishes and cleans the bathroom regularly.

I don't go to PTA meetings or volunteer in the community. My home is not a gathering place for neighborhood children (the only kids on our block are too young to cross the street by themselves, so we're off the hook for now...). I only kind of know my neighbors.

This reality used to get me down sometimes. I would see other moms who appear to have it all together, who find fulfillment and joy in at-home parenting, and I'd feel a twinge of guilt. My heart is supposed to be at home, right? That is where I'm supposed to focus all my energies, right?

But then I think of my son, and the relationship we have and the relationship we're building. The questions he asks me and how we talk to each other when it's just the two of us. How he sits close to me on the couch when I'm knitting or stitching. How he leans on me when I read to him. How happy he is when I help in his classroom once a week. How we're working on that delicate balance of boundaries and trust and how my heart swells when it clicks. I think of all the things I want to show him and experience with him and learn from him and teach him.

And I realize, I'm not the mother I thought I'd be, but I'm pretty happy with the mother I am.

Bleah.

So I just experienced my first mammogram. And even though the people were nice and it wasn't painful, afterward I still just wanted to curl up in bed with a bowl of ice cream and cry.

I haven't done any of those things yet, but I am at home in my comfy pants, contemplating the ice cream in the freezer. Maybe I should have lunch first...

Anyway, all I can say is if men had to undergo the same procedure for testicular cancer, they would have come up with a better imaging method by now.

Here's to more women in medical technology!

Good things.

This year hasn't been all bad. Here are a few good things I'd like to remember.

The day someone brought corgi puppies to work.

Atticus got baptized.

And started Cub Scouts.

I made it to Delicate Arch on a gimpy ankle.

Family outing to Antelope Island.

Mama-Atticus hike to a local waterfall. On a gimpy ankle.

Mesa Verde on a gimpy ankle. (I will not be broken!)

Quality time with my boy.

The day we discovered a new mall with a playground and comfortable seats. And a Pokegym.

I knit a yellow sweater and a I quite like it. We are in nice clothes at Dead Horse Point because we were there for a wedding. More about this trip in another post.

So there. 

Thoughts on deep cleaning.

Yesterday was a deep cleaning day, and it felt good. And now I'm restless to attack the rest of the house, but I'm going to pace myself.

By the time I got out of bed, James had cleaned the bathroom, started the laundry, made a shopping list, and raked up a bunch of leaves. I knew I had to pull my weight. So I attacked the kitchen. I moved the appliances on the counter, wiped them down, and cleaned underneath and around them. I cleaned the toaster oven and the top of the microwave. I organized the storage cabinet and moved a bunch of jars and miscellaneous items to the basement. I cleaned off the top of the storage cabinet and arranged the stuff on the refrigerator doors. I wiped down cabinet doors and cleaned the outside of the trash cans. Later I moved the couches and swept up the dust bunnies and found a bunch of interesting stuff.

So often in our cleaning we focus on the big stuff and just move things to the corners or shove them in a closet. (Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself here.) And most of the time that's fine. But I've been feeling cluttered lately, and just moving the piles of stuff or even throwing it away didn't feel like enough. All the junk and dust lurking in the corners was getting me down.

So now when I look at my kitchen there is still a pile of stuff on the table and assorted things on the counters. But the kitchen still feels clean. The living room feels clean.

A long time ago I heard someone say, "If you want a clean house, take care of the corners. Scrub those corners well, and the middle will take care of itself." I'm finding that to be true.

The implications and analogies here are endless. When life feels overwhelming and cluttered, pay attention to the dusty corners and closets where you shove stuff to deal with later. What am I avoiding? What have I hidden and ignored?

It's not all bad stuff. When I was going through some of my craft supplies to get ready to teach a class on making felt Christmas ornaments, I found a paper Christmas garland that I had started a couple years ago but never finished. I think I'll finish that this year. What other treasures might I find that I wasn't ready to complete before but might be ready to tackle now?

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. I'm ready to start digging out of this painful year and start making progress again.

*Later*
It felt fantastic to be so productive, but by the time we went grocery shopping, my leg and ankle hurt enough that I regretted not bringing the cane. And this morning both legs hurt enough (the right one from taking me up and down the stairs several times yesterday) that I did take the cane to church. It was a helpful reminder that my inactivity hasn't been completely without reason. Trying not to overdo it.

Thoughts on a difficult year.

It's strange to look back and realize how much my ankle has dominated my life this year. And that it really has been all year. It was in January that I tried a new treatment that initially eliminated the pain but quickly devolved into pain comparable to the original injury--I couldn't walk without crutches for a month. Cortizone in March. Surgery in June. Still in a brace. Still a bit freaked out that my upper fibula is just floating free. And I expect to be uncomfortable through the end of the year. 

An entire year. 

The stranger part is to realize the side effects of this trouble, especially in my relationship with my husband. He has been a patient caregiver all this time, and in many ways I've become an entitled receiver. I take for granted that he does most of the housework and cooking now. I haven't been a complete invalid, except for a week or so after the surgery, but I've gotten very comfortable on the couch. Now that I'm more mobile, I'm finding it a little difficult to resume some of these roles. I like being taken care of. But it's time to get moving again. Time to "rise from the dust" so to speak.

Here I go.

Comic Con Recap

We've been going to various cons for the past few years, but this year was especially eventful. James entered almost every contest, and while we didn't win the $50 in gift certificates, he DID win a two-night stay at a downtown hotel. The room was nicer than I expected, and the bed was really comfy. The hotel wasn't super close to the convention center, but it made us feel like we were on vacation. And they gave us a bunch of Japanese candy for some reason. Yum!

James also won a photo op with Manu Bennett, who played Slade/Deadshot on the TV show Arrow as well as Azog the Defiler in the Hobbit movies (voice and motion capture).

I'm never one for dressing up, but I love watching James and Atticus have fun. Here are some of my favorite pictures:

Atticus got to meet the original red Ranger and the second yellow Ranger (not pictured--they didn't come in costume)

When they opened the Ranger panel to audience questions, I looked at James and said, "These are the nerdiest nerds I've EVER seen." But then when one of them thanked the Red Ranger (Austin St. John) for his work with the Autism Foundation, it clicked that all of these people were likely on that spectrum. It made perfect sense, and we felt bad for mocking them. We later stopped by Austin's booth so Atticus could ask him how it felt to be a Power Ranger ("It was totally amazing") and get a high five. He was kind to talk to us and give Atticus full attention.

Group costumes are the most fun.

A meet-up of amateur Star Wars cosplayers. Atticus is in the front row, and James is the only Wookiee. We left before the Star Trek cosplayers came for a stand-off photo shoot. That Wookiee mask gets hot...

The big-ticket event this year was the panel with the actors who play Captain America and Falcon. There was rumor that Agent Carter would also show up. To avoid a stampede for seats, the organizers gave out tickets on a lottery system. It made a lot of people mad that they didn't give preference to people who bought VIP tickets, but it worked out well for us. We scored three tickets and got a good seat toward the front. James took this pic off of the jumbo screen (we didn't get this close).

This was my favorite event this year. Chris Evans (Captain America) wasn't as comfortable on stage as Anthony Mackie (Falcon), but they both seemed really genuine and happy to be there. Hayley Atwell (Agent Carter) didn't get to say anything, but she got a big cheer when she appeared on stage. She wasn't scheduled to do a panel for some reason.

Another favorite part was my friend Cindy's art booth. She does amazing papercuts. We'd already bought a print of the Utah-shaped one (quote from the end of Raising Arizona, which ends, "I don't know, maybe it was Utah"). I also bought a print of the Yoda to the left of Utah, which reads, "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." I loved the quote but didn't recognize it--

it's from The Empire Strikes Back. I would have loved to buy everything she had, but we have only so much wall space.

Other things I don't have pictures for:

• Falcon and the commentator had an impromptu push-up contest on stage, so when Atticus saw the commentator on the convention floor, he dropped to the ground and started doing one-armed push-ups to challenge him. The guy was gracious enough to take the challenge and do a few himself.
• We took a break on Saturday and had lunch at a nicer place down the block. It was fun to sit in a restaurant patio with Luke Skywalker and a half-wookiee (James took off the top half of the costume).
• I stayed late to see John Barrowman, who played Captain Jack Harkness on Doctor Who/Torchwood. He's an amazing performer, but I was disappointed by how crude he was. I felt even worse when I realized I'd missed the general women's meeting to be there. It was kind of a bummer to end the weekend that way.

Overall, the experience was a lot of fun. The great thing about Comic Con is how nice people are. Even at the most crowded times and places, I never saw anyone rude or mean. You can talk to strangers and ask to take pictures with them, and it's all good. You stand in a long line and make friends with the people around you. I wasn't all that excited about going again this year, but I'm really glad we did. 

This boy...

Atticus and I had a good day today. James had parent-teacher conferences yesterday and today, so we were on our own until bedtime. And it was nice. I don't think I want to be a single mom anytime soon, but one-on-one time with my boy makes me happy.

Here are a couple things from today that I want to remember:

1. This morning we got to school just after the first bell rang. Atticus was a little frantic about being late:

A: "No time for kisses today, Mom."
Me: Uh-unh. There's always time for kisses.
He gives me a brief brush-by kiss, gets out hurriedly, and slams the door. [Pause]
He opens the door again.
A: "That wasn't a long enough kiss."
Climbs back in the car to give me a real kiss, gets out hurriedly, and slams the door. We exchange vulcan greetings as I drive away.
I smiled the whole way to work.

2. When I got home from work I put on my favorite Spotify playlist, and we listened to it most of the afternoon and evening. After he got out of the shower, he asked me to replay this song:

"It makes me feel whole," he said. I know exactly how that feels. It's how I feel as I write this now. My heart can hardly contain how much I love this boy.

Two brown eggs!

Ruby and Becky are both laying now! We were getting only one brown egg a day, so it was hard to tell if they were alternating days or if one just wasn't laying, but for two days in a row we got two huge brown eggs! And a half-eaten green one. Don't know what happened there, but we got a whole green one today. And only one brown egg. 

Really, ladies, would it kill you to all lay on the same day?

It's not about the eggs.

Meet our lovely ladies, Lucille, Ruby, and Becky. James named them after women in Kenny Rogers songs. We inherited them from our neighbors, who were tired of cleaning up chicken poop. And after having them just a couple weeks, I can see what they mean. I had no idea how much chickens poop. And the neighbors let them out of their small enclosure a few times a week to run free all over the back yard, which meant poop was everywhere. So when we got them I made sure that their enclosure was big enough for them to scratch, dust bathe, and exercise so we wouldn't have to let them out of it. Ever. And I have dedicated one pair of shoes to be my "chicken shoes," and they don't go past the back door. 

I'd been wanting to get chickens for a while now, but the start-up costs and planning and decisions were a little prohibitive. Where would we raise chicks? Buy a coop or build one? What design? How much is this all going to cost? And in one fell swoop, all of those decisions were made. The neighbor wouldn't let us pay him for anything, including almost-full bags of bedding and food pellets, heat lamps, and a watering container we can plug in in the winter so it doesn't freeze. The coop is made of crumbling particle board and will need to be upgraded/replaced soon, but it works for now. 

We get two eggs a day, one greenish white (from Lucille) and one brown. I'm not sure if only one red hen is laying or if they're alternating. Becky has an injured foot, which made me think maybe she wasn't laying, but she seems healthy otherwise. Her comb and wattle are bright and firm, which the internet says is a sign of good health. They're all eating and scratching and getting around fine. 

And they love us. Ruby (I think she's the alpha) used to peck the neighbor's feet whenever he entered their enclosure, but we've never been pecked. Well, I did get pecked on the hand the first day we got them, but I guess that was enough to put me in my place. They get all excited when we go into the back yard, following our movements and clustering where they are in the photos. I don't think they got food scraps very often before, and they never got "scratch," or the mix of wheat and corn and millet that they love. They also needed some calcium supplementation (oyster shells) to improve their eggshells. I feel like we've improved their quality of care, and they seem to like being here. 

So now I'm trying to figure out why I love having them so much, what need they fill. Because like the title of this post says, it's not about the eggs. My friend's 9-year-old daughter gets all wistful when she talks about how we get "fresh eehggs," which always makes me think of this video, which still makes me laugh since the first time I saw it (thanks, Suz). The eggs are great, don't get me wrong. But I can get really good eggs at the store for not too much money. And honestly, I don't eat eggs that often (though I plan to eat more now). But it still makes me very, very happy to see them out in our yard. 

They're not pets, and I don't pet or touch them or try to feed them out of my hand. I love that I can feed them my yellow lettuce that would otherwise go in the trash, but it's more than a practical thing. I feel silly saying that it's more of a spiritual thing, because it's not like I'm learning life lessons or anything. 

But it's more like I feel more connected to life. More real somehow. When I was applying for the job I knew that the trade off if I got it was that I would have to keep things at home pretty simple. Surface cleaning. Surface meal planning. Surface gardening. All so I could be more than a surface wife and mother. Yes, James would take a larger role in all of those things, so it's not like they'd be neglected, but my participation would be surface-level. When I didn't get the job, I asked God, "now what?" And the impression I got was "deeper roots at home." 

I can't quite explain how, but the hens are part of those deeper roots. I'm working only three days a week so I can stretch those roots. Deeper cleaning. More cooking (still working on that, but I did make three kinds of fruit leather last week). Garden planning and preparation. Eventually I'll get to sewing and lotion making and family history and piano. 

But for now I have hens, and that's enough.

Starting Over

Ok. I had a few bad weeks with the diet, and I didn't get the job I really (really!) wanted. I got knocked down and thrown for a loop.

But I'm back up. I went to the gym today, and I signed up for a 6-week "boot camp" class. I'm doing the diet challenge again, starting by cutting out all drinks but water and unsweetened herbal tea.

At work, I still feel a twinge in my gut whenever I think of all the problems that made me want to leave, but it's time to stop whining and move forward. The project manager is advocating for me to take a bigger role, though exactly how is still to be defined. I also asked the writing manager to help me find a mentor for web and social media writing. That's my weak point, and it's the direction the field is heading, like it or not. And it will help me write for a more general audience, which is what got the other guy the job I wanted. 

This quote came to mind today:

"In times of change learners inherit the earth; while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." --Eric Hoffer

It's time.

Temporary Detour?

My goodness, the last two weeks have felt like an epic fail. I want to turn it around, and I'm just not feeling motivated. Help!

My diet slipped and I didn't make it to the gym for a week, and when I got on the scale I was back to my starting weight. Worse, when I got on the machine at the gym, I was panting like I'd never worked out. I worked hard to achieve so little, and with one bad week I lost all the ground I'd gained.

I was so discouraged I spiraled into even worse habits this week. Because that makes so much sense, right?

My body feels terrible, and I'm grumpier and more irritable than before. Yes, I'm experiencing a higher-than-normal level of stress. I've applied for a new job, a process that started in January and finally reached the interview stage a week ago Wednesday. I'd been hoping to hear back within a few days, but the person in charge of hiring was traveling all last week, so I'm crossing my fingers for the upcoming week. It really is cruel and unusual treatment to stretch out the hiring process this long, but they're historians, so maybe they have a different concept of "a long time." And I really, really want this job, so I will wait as patiently as I have to.

But it's not like getting this job will completely change my eating and exercise habits, though they do have a rule of no food in the office (the office is in the same building as the library and archive, so food is a big no-no). Right now I'm surrounded by snacks and eat primarily at my desk, so that would certainly change. And my office would be on the 4th floor, so I could take the stairs more.

Anyway. I'm frustrated with myself. Why is it so hard to translate knowledge into action? What is the key to making it stick?