In the last month or so I've heard a couple people use the term "full-time mother" to refer to women who do not work outside of the home. And though I know that in both cases the speakers meant nothing more than this, it just didn't sit right with me. I mean, what does that make me, a "part-time mother"? Ick.
Every mother is a full-time mother. My baby is in the hospital and I see him only a few hours a day, but I am constantly thinking about him, planning for him, praying for him, missing him. Like many mothers, I will continue to work in some capacity while he is young, and I imagine I will feel very much the same way.
It's true that "stay-at-home mom" is inaccurate as well, so maybe we should just drop all the titles and define ourselves by what we are and always will be first and foremost: mothers.
Thanks. Just had to get that off my chest.
7 comments:
Interesting. I certainly can't disagree with what you're saying-- no mother is "part time." But then how do I phrase it when I'm asking a woman if she has a job in addition to caring for her kids? (I don't really like the phraseology I just used because it could be interpreted as being judgmental of her in some way-- like being at home isn't job enough or something).
That's the problem--there's no good, simple term for a woman who is able to stay home with her kids. Especially in a culture where we are defined by our jobs, where "what do you do?" is one of the first questions you ask a new acquaintance.
And women on both sides of the situation are equally touchy about the terminology, which makes it even more complicated. "Full-time mother" works well from one perspective, meaning that you are with your children full-time. But then people like me get offended. "Stay-at-home mom" sounds like you're stuck in the house or parked on the couch, which isn't true either.
Would any other mothers like to weigh in on this issue? If you're not employed outside the home, how do you describe yourself and what you do for a living?
Just a few thoughts from a very inexperienced mother:
1. It's a tough issue, and very personal. I use a number of different terms to describe what I do in a number of different situations. No single name/title works for me. I especially don't like the term "full-time mother", though, because that paints it in the rosy hue of a day job with sick days and weekends. Ah, if only.
2. A mother's struggle to define herself to herself and to the rest of the world isn't visible to someone who just wants the quick answer. Shortcuts can't capture it. Even the term "mother" is loaded with meaning, not all of it accurate for every real-life mother out there.
3. Maybe the real problem here is the undervalued work of a mother, 'cuz "stay-at-home president of the United States" sounds pretty darn important.
I've also heard mothers describe themselves in terms of "BC" (before children) or "a previous life":
"What do you do?"
"Well, 5 years B.C. I was an analytical chemist."
OR
"Are you working?"
"Oh yes. Every freaking minute of the day. My previous life as a Vegas showgirl had much better hours."
The odd thing is, people expect that person from the "previous life" to simply disappear once they don the mother mantle. Adding another dimension to your life does not make all others disappear. It would certainly be easier if it did.
Very interesting points. And I see where you're coming from.
This is why labels of any kind are so useless. They're shortcuts loaded with assumptions, and they rarely truly encapsulate what you're trying to understand.
No kidding, Erin. And thanks for the insights, Suz.
Motherhood is becoming more valued, but in a world where value equals money, mothers will never get the recognition or status they deserve.
And like I said before, people are touchy on both sides. SAH moms want their label to say "What I do is important!" and mothers who work outside the home want labels that say "I'm not a bad mother!" And never the twain shall meet. At least not linguistically.
I am your sister Kristens next door neighbor jaime, ( we did GFK together A LONG time ago.) plus I loved your knitting socks.. I first of all love your little ones name!!!! second I love your posts!! third been thinking about you and your family with this new addition... I can tell you are very well read, and LOVE that you know how to put into words how I feel but can't figure out how to express. THANK YOU!!!
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