It's not about the eggs.

Meet our lovely ladies, Lucille, Ruby, and Becky. James named them after women in Kenny Rogers songs. We inherited them from our neighbors, who were tired of cleaning up chicken poop. And after having them just a couple weeks, I can see what they mean. I had no idea how much chickens poop. And the neighbors let them out of their small enclosure a few times a week to run free all over the back yard, which meant poop was everywhere. So when we got them I made sure that their enclosure was big enough for them to scratch, dust bathe, and exercise so we wouldn't have to let them out of it. Ever. And I have dedicated one pair of shoes to be my "chicken shoes," and they don't go past the back door. 

I'd been wanting to get chickens for a while now, but the start-up costs and planning and decisions were a little prohibitive. Where would we raise chicks? Buy a coop or build one? What design? How much is this all going to cost? And in one fell swoop, all of those decisions were made. The neighbor wouldn't let us pay him for anything, including almost-full bags of bedding and food pellets, heat lamps, and a watering container we can plug in in the winter so it doesn't freeze. The coop is made of crumbling particle board and will need to be upgraded/replaced soon, but it works for now. 

We get two eggs a day, one greenish white (from Lucille) and one brown. I'm not sure if only one red hen is laying or if they're alternating. Becky has an injured foot, which made me think maybe she wasn't laying, but she seems healthy otherwise. Her comb and wattle are bright and firm, which the internet says is a sign of good health. They're all eating and scratching and getting around fine. 

And they love us. Ruby (I think she's the alpha) used to peck the neighbor's feet whenever he entered their enclosure, but we've never been pecked. Well, I did get pecked on the hand the first day we got them, but I guess that was enough to put me in my place. They get all excited when we go into the back yard, following our movements and clustering where they are in the photos. I don't think they got food scraps very often before, and they never got "scratch," or the mix of wheat and corn and millet that they love. They also needed some calcium supplementation (oyster shells) to improve their eggshells. I feel like we've improved their quality of care, and they seem to like being here. 

So now I'm trying to figure out why I love having them so much, what need they fill. Because like the title of this post says, it's not about the eggs. My friend's 9-year-old daughter gets all wistful when she talks about how we get "fresh eehggs," which always makes me think of this video, which still makes me laugh since the first time I saw it (thanks, Suz). The eggs are great, don't get me wrong. But I can get really good eggs at the store for not too much money. And honestly, I don't eat eggs that often (though I plan to eat more now). But it still makes me very, very happy to see them out in our yard. 

They're not pets, and I don't pet or touch them or try to feed them out of my hand. I love that I can feed them my yellow lettuce that would otherwise go in the trash, but it's more than a practical thing. I feel silly saying that it's more of a spiritual thing, because it's not like I'm learning life lessons or anything. 

But it's more like I feel more connected to life. More real somehow. When I was applying for the job I knew that the trade off if I got it was that I would have to keep things at home pretty simple. Surface cleaning. Surface meal planning. Surface gardening. All so I could be more than a surface wife and mother. Yes, James would take a larger role in all of those things, so it's not like they'd be neglected, but my participation would be surface-level. When I didn't get the job, I asked God, "now what?" And the impression I got was "deeper roots at home." 

I can't quite explain how, but the hens are part of those deeper roots. I'm working only three days a week so I can stretch those roots. Deeper cleaning. More cooking (still working on that, but I did make three kinds of fruit leather last week). Garden planning and preparation. Eventually I'll get to sewing and lotion making and family history and piano. 

But for now I have hens, and that's enough.

Temporary Detour?

My goodness, the last two weeks have felt like an epic fail. I want to turn it around, and I'm just not feeling motivated. Help!

My diet slipped and I didn't make it to the gym for a week, and when I got on the scale I was back to my starting weight. Worse, when I got on the machine at the gym, I was panting like I'd never worked out. I worked hard to achieve so little, and with one bad week I lost all the ground I'd gained.

I was so discouraged I spiraled into even worse habits this week. Because that makes so much sense, right?

My body feels terrible, and I'm grumpier and more irritable than before. Yes, I'm experiencing a higher-than-normal level of stress. I've applied for a new job, a process that started in January and finally reached the interview stage a week ago Wednesday. I'd been hoping to hear back within a few days, but the person in charge of hiring was traveling all last week, so I'm crossing my fingers for the upcoming week. It really is cruel and unusual treatment to stretch out the hiring process this long, but they're historians, so maybe they have a different concept of "a long time." And I really, really want this job, so I will wait as patiently as I have to.

But it's not like getting this job will completely change my eating and exercise habits, though they do have a rule of no food in the office (the office is in the same building as the library and archive, so food is a big no-no). Right now I'm surrounded by snacks and eat primarily at my desk, so that would certainly change. And my office would be on the 4th floor, so I could take the stairs more.

Anyway. I'm frustrated with myself. Why is it so hard to translate knowledge into action? What is the key to making it stick?

"Before" picture and weigh-in

I was going to post this cute picture of me and my boy eating sushi for my birthday, but then I saw the picture. Yeah, that's not going on Facebook. I had already been planning to start this program, but this really cemented my goal. I don't like looking like this. But the boy is cute. :)

Weighed in this morning, and I've lost another 1.2 lbs. Total loss to date: 2.2 lbs. I was really hoping the first 5 lbs would come off faster than this, but at least it's progress. This is going to be a long, slow process. But worth it in the end. It's already worth it. I just have to remind myself of that every so often.

42 Days: Week 3

Pep talk from the booklet: "This 42-day thing is no fad diet. It's not get-slim-quick regimen. It's about putting in the time, the commitment, the effort, the mental shift, all of it. Because at the end of the day, and at the end of the challenge, and someday at the end of our days as we know them, we'll look back and have to answer one question: What did we do with what God gave us while we were here on the earth?"

Way to bring in the heavy, lady. Thanks a bunch.

But really, that's what this is all about: all of the things I want to do and experience that I can't right now because of my limitations. Because I haven't taken care of my body like I should. I want to hike. I want to travel. I want to have the energy and strength to do and see the beautiful things in this world.

I'm still having trouble with my ankle, but it's going to hurt whether I exercise or not, so I might as well exercise. I'm going to make an appointment this week for a cortisone injection, so we'll see how well that helps and how long it lasts.

Here are the official questions:
Am I starting to lose my motivation? 
Yeah, maybe a little. I'm not seeing big results, and even though that's what I expected, you always hope for more. Plus the psychology of weight loss is sometimes self-defeating. I've been this size and shape for a while now, and I haven't always liked it, but I was ok with it because I knew I wasn't ready to do anything about it. Now that I'm ready to do something about it, I want it to change NOW. I'm no longer apathetic about my situation, so I'm more impatient.

But I'm actually getting MORE excited about exercise. The plan has you just do cardio three days and just do strength with a short warm-up two other days, which means you're getting some kind of exercise 5x a week. I combined the two, so I'm getting a solid cardio AND strength workout three days a week, which is an extra strength workout. But I haven't done anything the other days, so maybe the cumulative effect is less. Dunno. But this works for me.

I've started watching Magnum P.I. on Netflix when I'm on the elliptical machine. I workout longer and dread it less. Magnum is just for a workout--I'm not going to laugh out loud, and I'm not going to miss any major plot points (because there aren't any) if I look away to take a drink or check my progress. It's also funny to see the beginnings of feminist television--the lady cop (parole officer) is described as a no-nonsense "barracuda," but in a fight she still cowers back and tries not to get hurt.

But I digress...

Food challenges
This week wasn't much different for me, as I was already eating breakfast. I still don't crave sweets, and I'm ok passing them up. Starting tomorrow we are allowed one dessert a week, and I'm not sure I want to open that door. I've been thinking about making something special for Easter, but portion control is the hardest. I only get ONE dessert per WEEK, so having cake or cookies lying around for three days is not going to go well for me. My VT has figured out how to make half a cake mix so there aren't any leftovers when her family has dessert, but (1) I don't like cake mix, and (2) her family is bigger. Still, the concept applies. If I can make a really small batch of something James also likes, we might be ok. Pinterest, here I come. :)

If I have changed my diet and exercise in a positive direction, I have made progress. Is this progress visible yet? Can I admit to myself that it is still progress, even if I can't see it today?
Thanks for the reminder. Yes, positive change is progress. Not bingeing on chocolate every day at 3 is huge progress. Going from no exercise to three solid workouts a week is progress. Even if the scale doesn't budge, even if my pants are still too tight, I have made progress.

What are some of the positive changes I feel?
I'm less bloated and uncomfortable. I have more energy. I enjoy healthy food more. I look forward to workouts.


So there's my progress for this week. Next week the food challenge is to have a food "curfew" three hours before bedtime. I'm glad that starts tomorrow, because it's 7:45 and I'm about to eat a bowl of granola. :)

42 Days to Fit: Week 2 Begins

This morning was my weekly weigh-in. I lost exactly one pound, and my waist measurement is the same. Not the fireworks I was hoping for, but about what I expected.

I'm a little worried about today because I'm feeling stressed and anxious. This is when I normally crave chocolate and caffeine. I've packed a healthy lunch and snacks, but if I can't turn my mood around, this is going to be a rough day. So what do I need to do to feel better?

Figure out the problem.
I thought I was doing well this morning. I got into the shower on time, but somehow the rest of the morning got away from me. Atticus was taken care of, but I was still doing my hair when I realized we needed to be out the door. I thought I would have time for breakfast. I thought I was on schedule. Can I blame Atticus for suddenly having a million questions about the Titanic? Where did that come from?

Then I realized spring break is next week. How did I let that sneak up on me? It's been on the school calendar all year--how did it not make it to my calendar? What am I going to do with Atticus? I can't take a whole week off, which means I need to set up play dates and such. That means I have to call people. I hate calling people.

Then there are my general frustrations about work. Not excited to be here, but I have lots to do.

Figure out a solution.
I got the boys to school on time (barely), and I have microwave oatmeal at work. Let today go and figure out how to make tomorrow better. Win for today: I packed my lunch last night, so I didn't have to worry about that this morning. Focus on that drop of awesome and let the rest go.

One friend's mom works at the Snowbird kid's camp, and she offered to take Atticus up with her son next week. That takes care of one day. James will be home Thursday and Friday--two more down. So it's just two days I need to worry about. Veronica has Wednesdays off--maybe she can take him that day if I take Kaden for another. I really don't want to take Kaden, but maybe we can go to a movie or something. I can take one day off.

Work stress... right now the only way out is through. Just dig in and get it done. Be grateful that my very nice but very chatty neighbor is out today. I feel bad for being relieved, but I'm just not in the mood for him today.

Ok. I'm feeling a little better. Back to the diet.

Here are my goals for this program:

• Lose 10 lbs. That's 1-2 lbs a week, which is reasonable and maintainable.
• Clean up my diet. Get rid of most of the junk and increase produce intake.
• Get in the habit of exercise. Do something every day.

Thought questions for this week:

How did I do with week 1? Was it too hard? Too easy?

It was a little on the easy side, but overall it was just about right. I could increase the intensity of my workouts a little, and I could eat more vegetables.

Who am I doing this for? When working out, do I remember why this is worth it?

I'm doing this for myself. I'm tired of feeling "blech" and out of shape. I'm tired of being out of breath after one flight of stairs. I'm tired of hurting all over. 

You've been recruited.

If anyone still reads this blog, this is to inform you that you are now my "accountability partner" for the next five weeks of my new diet/fitness program. Yea! Lucky you!!

I'm following the 42 Days to Fit program, which slowly cleans up your diet and gets you focused on exercising 5 days a week.

I'm not going to post my weight and measurements here because they horrify me, but I'll keep you posted on the ups and downs.

Tomorrow will be the last day of week 1. Here's how it's gone so far:

How I Feel

• I started the week feeling like I'd swallowed a balloon. That hasn't changed much.
• I've had heartburn for more than a week. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or don't eat. This is annoying.
• I'm motivated to make real changes gradually. This is a good program for gradual diet change.
• I've had more energy this week and slept a little better. 

Food

The challenge this week was to eliminate all sweets/desserts and to drink only water. Unsweetened herbal tea is ok, as is one glass of 100% juice with breakfast. 

• I had no problem with limited drinks. I have some favorite herbal teas I drink at work, plus plenty of water. I didn't even have the allowed juice. 
• Sweets were actually not a temptation. There were a few days when I wanted chocolate around 3 p.m., but it wasn't hard to redirect my attention. We went out to dinner Friday, and Atticus got a scoop of chocolate frozen custard, and I had two bites. It was really good, but I was able to stop and not miss it.
• The rest of my diet didn't change much. I made sure to eat breakfast every day (that's next week's challenge), and I brought my own lunch and snacks to work.
• I tried to increase my intake of produce.  
• I discovered that fat satisfies sugar cravings. Full-fat greek yogurt, even unsweetened, is incredibly satisfying, and you don't need a lot of it to do the trick. 

Exercise

The plan is to do 20 minutes cardio three days and two days of strength training.

• I did it! Elliptical machine and stretching at the gym Monday and Wednesday, two sets of the prescribed training circuit Tuesday, one on Thursday (no abs), and today I did 10 min on the elliptical machine and an extended training circuit. 
• My ankle hurt so bad after my workout this morning that I used my brace and a cane for half the day. Everything I'm doing is low-impact, and my PT even had me doing squats and lunges in my sessions, so I don't think the program is the problem. It's just my ankle. Time for cortisone. We'll see how long it lasts.
• I need to find a cardio exercise I enjoy. I'm going to get a bike for my birthday (when I can get up the nerve to drop a lot of money on a decent one), so maybe a ride around the neighborhood will do me more good than trudging on a machine. We're also close to the Jordan River Trail.

Goals

• Continue with patterns established this week: breakfast, pack lunch, exercise daily, make healthier choices.
• Pay closer attention to what upsets my stomach.
• Increase my strength training. While I'm tired after each set, I'm not sore later. Does that mean I'm not working hard enough? Or does that mean I've hit a "sweet spot" where I work just hard enough? I don't want to overdo it and not be able to walk or lift anything for three days, but I can probably increase the intensity a bit.

So there's my download for this week. Tomorrow I'll start prepping for week 2. :)

Work Worth Doing

So I've had this scripture rolling around in my head for a while: "Do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy" (2 Nephi 9:51). What is of worth, and what will satisfy? Where will my time and efforts be best spent?

I'm still figuring it all out, as I believe the answer changes depending on your circumstances and stage of life, but last weekend was very satisfying. A friend in the neighborhood offered us the cherries from her sour cherry tree, so we spend a couple hours picking a cooler full. I then spent the bulk of the day processing them: most went into cherry pie filling, and the rest were dried or frozen.

The work was long and tedious, but ultimately very satisfying in a way that's hard to describe without being trite. It felt real, and practical, and worthwhile. My family would not have starved or suffered if we had not done these things, but I like knowing how to do these things, how to be resourceful and self-sufficient.

Plus it was physical work. I spend so much of my time at a desk in what is a very mental work. Physical labor like gardening and yard work and pitting 20 lbs of cherries is a refreshing change from that. If my work were primarily physical, would I crave mental labors? Probably.

I feel very blessed that I have both options. Balance and variety makes for a happy Heidi.

Drama Week

We've had our fair share of drama this week. The most frightening being when our neighbor Kaden was hit by a car outside of school. He's ok, but it was still terrifying. We carpool with Kaden, a third grader, so Atticus was standing on the curb with Kaden's stepdad, Mick, when Kaden ran out into the crosswalk. The first car had seen Kaden holding a flag and stopped, but the second car didn't. And since Kaden was running, she didn't have time to stop. According to witnesses, he flew pretty far when he was hit, and then landed on his wrist. He has a broken wrist and road rash on his face, but no internal or brain injuries. Lucky, lucky, blessed boy.

Mick immediately ran to Kaden, leaving Atticus alone on the curb. Other adults there took care of my now-hysterical boy and started leading him to the office when a friend of ours from our last ward found him. She called me and stayed with him until I arrived.

Atticus had calmed down by the time I arrived and was acting normal, if a bit restless. He didn't want to talk about the accident, so I told him he could talk about it when he was ready. We drove home in silence, then picked up James and headed to the library. As we were walking in to the library, James said, "You don't need to talk about it now, but sometime tonight I'm going to want you to tell me what happened and what you saw." Atticus nodded. A minute later he said, "Dad, if you want to know what happened, I'm available now." So he told us about it. He'd thought Kaden was dead. He was scared and alone on the curb, but people helped him. He was visibly relieved when I got the report from the hospital that Kaden would be ok.

Whenever we talked to Mick, his first concern was for Atticus. He felt horrible that he'd had to leave him like that, but what choice did he have? We assured him he was fine. The school and his teachers were very kind to Atticus, too. When the school brought Kaden balloons and cards, they brought a big balloon for Atticus as well.

Oh, and all of this happened the day before I went in for surgery. Veronica, Kaden's mom, was going to take the boys to school, pick them up, and keep Atticus for us until I got home. Slight change of plans... But it all worked out perfectly. My surgery was scheduled later than expected, so I was able to take Atticus to school. James was able to leave early to pick him up. And my parents were already in Salt Lake with my sister who had also had surgery the day before, so they picked me up and took me home.

Now I'm hobbling around on a sore ankle (removed my hardware from the accident) and a tender tummy (gall bladder removal). Eating pudding and funeral potatoes. Could be a lot worse.

So that was our week. How was yours?

My Faves for Today

• Dinner I could make/eat every week: Sauteed boneless chicken thighs in mustard cream sauce (click on photo for recipe). I actually leave out the cream, though last time I added a tablespoon or so whole milk. I have tried this with grainy Dijon and smooth; I think my favorite is a combination of the two. Most delicious leftovers EVER.
• Homemade ice cream. I tried a fancy custard variety yesterday but got scared when the custard seemed a little curdled, especially since we were making it for a party. I mixed up a second no-cook batch, which was tasty. I just froze the curdled version, and DANG it tastes like creme brulee minus the brulee. Maybe I need to get out the silpat and torch to burn some sugar...
• "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" by Fall Out Boy. It's a perfect workout song. When I listen to it I imagine myself sprinting over the finish line with my fists in the air. I'M ON FIIIAH!!
• The other song I listen to at high volume over headphones is "Don't Let Go Yet" by David Roch. I can't find a sample online, but here's another great one from him: "Skin and Bones." I have his album in pretty heavy rotation in my work playlist. Haunting and beautiful and heavy on harmony. And I swear it's Neko Case doing backup vocals on Skin and Bones. Love her.

That's all I can think of right now. My big accomplishment for today was finally hanging pictures in our bedroom. James hung curtains yesterday, so after two years our room is starting to feel complete. And with blackout curtains in both bedrooms, I got to sleep in until 7:30. Woo hoo! 

May Update

 Atticus made me a birdhouse for Mothers' Day. We hung it up in the back yard. He's pretty proud of it.

 He insisted on helping James replace the parking stops. James appreciated the help, I'm sure.

 Preschool "graduation." He gets shy in front of crowds. Each child was invited to say something nice to his or her parents. Atticus said he liked it when I co-opped. His best buddy, Austin (with glasses), had both sets of grandparents and an older sister there, and he chose to say something nice to Atticus instead. He said that Atticus was his best friend, and he liked how Atticus made a book about him. Atticus and Austin are always the heroes in Atticus's books, and they're always playing Super Hero Squad.

 We have LOVED his teacher, Miss Stephanie, and are very sad to lose her. She is the rare combination of being excellent with the kids and with the parents. 

 Atticus finished his first round of swimming lessons today. He's come a long way in just a few weeks, from refusing to put his face in the water to floating/kicking on his stomach under water by himself. The goggles made a huge difference. Once he could open his eyes under water, he was unstoppable.

I love this kid.

In other news, James has finished his serious teaching for this school year. Next week he's showing a movie, and the week after that it's just cleaning out lockers and signing yearbooks, so even though he has to be there, he doesn't have to coerce students into caring about anything. Then he's FREE for two months. Yea!

Our only big plan for the summer is our family reunion in July. We're really looking forward to that, especially since all the out-of-towners will be here. James's mom will be in town for a few days in June, and it will be nice to see her and Grandpa Clarence. Other than that, we plan to visit lots of local parks and pools and spend time with friends. Maybe James will finally make it to the zoo. We do plan to hike, but we probably won't spend as much time in the big canyons. We're still a little freaked out by canyon driving. I also plan to pick up more hours at work if I can. We're planning to buy a house within the next year, and every little bit counts.

Here's to summer. :)

May Update

I have a food hangover. I ended a low-carb diet a week ago, and though I was careful about reintroducing grains gradually, I've gotten back into bad habits. So instead of doing the dishes, I'm drinking "detox" tea on the couch, watching Highlander (the series--soundtrack by Queen!) on Netflix, and updating my blog. Not a bad way to spend my few childless hours.

Highlights from the last week or so:

Family: Saturday was a family party to celebrate two of my sisters receiving their masters degrees. It was a good party, with family members who don't normally spend much time together getting along really well. My dad grilled carne asade, and my mom made Riley cake. It was all delicious, and I ate way too much.

Work: Yesterday I kind of got promoted at work. I've been working as an independent contractor with the Missionary Department, writing for historic sites and visitors' centers. Now I'll be doing the same thing, just as an "on call" employee for the Publishing Services Division (PSD). The benefits of this change is that I'll get involved in more projects, get more hours, and get a small raise. I'll also get more training and networking opportunities, which will help if I eventually want to go full time.

Atticus: He's started taking swimming lessons. It took us two weeks to get him to put his face in the water, and now that he has goggles (reward for putting face in water), he's willing to put his head all the way under the water. He's gotten good in the tub, so we'll see how he does in the pool Saturday.

The biggest event of the past couple months was, of course, Atticus's fifth birthday. My boy is 5! At first he wanted to stay four, but now that he's older than some of his friends, he thinks five is pretty cool. The day of his party started with the St. Patrick's Day parade. His preschool had a float, and James brought the pram. I think Atticus would have rather stayed on the float, but oh well.

 

I wanted to keep the party fairly small but still fun, so we rented a bounce house. It was a hit.

The boys. Atticus's best buddies, Caleb and Austin.

The girls: Sonora, Clare, and Ellie. Clare is his Scooby-Doo playmate. He's Fred, and she's Velma.

The cake. Atticus requested chocolate cake with blue frosting and pirate candles.

He was really excited about this present.

He told me several times that day that is was his best birthday ever. And I'd have to agree. I wouldn't say the party was mellow, but it was definitely low stress. A few of the parents hung out, so we talked while the kids played both outside and in Atticus's room. 

So life has been pretty good. Daily life, ups and downs. The usual.

Ouch.

We're getting close to finalizing our insurance settlement from the accident, and I got a copy of this message from our lawyer to the insurance company:

"Given the medical expenses and limited insurance available, Heidi will not come close to being made whole."

That almost made me cry. I know what he meant: "After medical expenses, her cash settlement will not adequately compensate for her injury." But that line "Heidi will not come close to being made whole" just pierced me. My leg never will be whole again. I will function normally, but never as well as I would have otherwise.

And that hurts.

I was going to give this a positive spin, a life-affirming "it will all work out for the best" vibe, which I do believe, but I think right now I just want to feel that hurt and accept it.

The evolution of a foot.

July 23

7 August

Mutant foot from outer space. 

7 August

Nasty, fibrous super-scab. I had to gradually cut that off for the wound to heal properly. Yeah, I mean with scissors.

28 August

Das boot. Hot, nasty thing.

28 August

This was probably in the morning, since there's not a huge difference between the two.

7 September

Aaaaaaand this is in the evening. 

First and last time I've worn those shoes since the accident. (Man, they really need a polish.)

When I wear tennis shoes I have "muffin top" ankle. 

I had the big screws taken out a week and a half ago, which immediately decreased my joint pain. The incision still hurts, and the stitches don't come out for another couple weeks. They were supposed to come out next week, but my doctor is out of the office. I'd be tempted to take them out myself if I didn't need to ask the doctor some questions.

I've been going to physical therapy, and I have much more flexibility in my ankle. My therapist says I'll get 90% recovery within about six months. The last 10% takes another six months. And I'll probably have arthritis in this ankle from now on, but staying active will reduce the symptoms. My insurance covers only 20 PT visits per calendar year, and I've had 12. So we're going down to one visit per week, and I get to go back to the gym for the rest. I've been using a seated stationary bike at home, but I need to work on my hips and legs more specifically. Rowing machine, here I come.

Overall I feel like life is coming back together. I still have no desire to cook, but our house is back to normal and I'm back at work a couple days a week. Atticus is back at his old preschool. We love his teacher. James is back at Hunter High. So we're getting back to normal. Just don't ask me to walk very fast. 

A Few Things

How do you not love this face? And the bundle of energy behind it? It's 9:30 p.m. and he's acting out some wild adventure with Shaggy and Scooby in the form of dollar-store mini car spaceships. His ongoing story pulls characters from everywhere. I even heard him yell, "Watch out, Magnum!" the other day. (What can I say? I've spent most of the summer in bed and the entire series is on Netflix. Quality TV.)

Now for the brain dump:

• My ankle really hurts today. It might be because my physical therapist is having me walk on it more, moving from two crutches to one, and doing strengthening exercises. Or it *might* be because I had to carry a screaming, thrashing 4-year-old over my shoulder up the stairs--without crutches--to get him in the shower and jammies. My sweet boy had the meltdown of all meltdowns last night while James was over at the other property trying to fix a leaky sprinkler in the dark, and I'm happy to say he was calm by the time James came home. But man, it was a rough half hour. Other than my sore foot, we seem to have suffered no lasting effects.
• If you haven't heard, we got a new car. It's a red 2010 Subaru Forester (Subaru forever!). Atticus's favorite feature is the cup holder that flips up from the middle of the back seat. I'll get pictures one of these days. 
• Two more weeks and I hope to get the big screws out of my ankle. The little screws and their plate are going to stay. Probably forever. Here are the x-rays so you know to which screws I am referring:

• I thought I had preschool set up for Atticus, then found out last week the teacher gave our spot away. Frustrating. But I hear there's still room at his old preschool, so we'll see if we can get in there. It's half-day afternoons, which isn't ideal, but I think we can make it work. If we get in.

I'd better sign off now. My sweet boy wants me to go snuggle him in bed. How can I resist?

Envy and Resentment

I miss my car. I really miss my car. It wasn't perfect, but it was comfy and reliable and my color and had all sorts of bells and whistles: moon roof, heated leather seats, wood trim, automatic everything, a stereo that encompassed you in music when you turned it up loud (and I like my music loud). And it was stylish and made me feel hip. I never feel hip. 

James says he resents it every time he sees another Outback on the road. How come they get to keep theirs while ours is smashed? We parked next to one almost identical to ours the other day, and the woman was smoking inside. How could she defile "our" car like that?

I may envy other Subaru drivers, but I don't resent them. I resent those who drive big trucks. Sure, there are plenty of reasons to need a truck like this: towing a boat or trailer, hauling farm or construction equipment, maintaining off-road trails and such.

But really, how many big truck owners actually do any of those things? How often? And do they really need an urban assault vehicle to do it? Or are they driving it because it's tough and manly and makes them feel powerful? So powerful that they can drive too fast on a mountain road and not pay attention to where they're going? I get angry when I see them advertised on tv, when I see them on the road. Especially if the radio's too loud and the driver's hat is on backwards.

I know this is my problem, and like many things, I just need to get over it. But if you do happen to own one of these trucks, would you mind not driving it near me for a while? Thanks. 

The Latest Update

This morning I got  my contraption replaced with a cast. It holds my ankle in a slightly different position, so it's going to take some getting used to. I get to keep it for two weeks and then move on to a walking boot. Apparently the bones are mending well.

Here are my X-rays, the first from the side and the second from the top. I don't think these screws are ever coming out. I might have to carry these with me next time I try to board a plane.

In the meantime Atticus has done some fun things, and I promise to get some of those pictures posted. Just not today. I think it's time for a nap.

My Philosophy on Life

I love just about everything from this artist, and everything on this page. But this one pretty much sums up my attitude toward life right now. I had plans. I had goals. They were even S.M.A.R.T. goals. I was going to get the details of my life in order. I was going to be proactive.

Then I got hit by a truck. Literally. And everything changed. I still have the same goals, but I have to develop patience as I learn new ways to achieve them. And so much is out of my control right now. I know we'll receive a settlement from the accident, and that our car appraised for more than we owe on it. But when we receive that money and how much and if/when we'll be able to buy a new car is completely out of my hands. 

Now I have a growth on my pancreas, which the doctor says is most likely benign and probably won't require surgery, but this isn't related to the accident, so we'll be responsible for those costs. I just hope they get it taken care of this year, when we've already maxed out our insurance deductible. 

So today I just throw up my hands and say, Father, I'll do my part and trust You to take care of the rest. Please just remind me what my part is again?

Update

I got my stitches out yesterday, and found out that the funky stitching was not the work of a poorly trained resident but was rather the complicated "trauma stitch." They're supposed to be easier to remove, but it hurt like heck. Oh well, they're out now. I get two more weeks with the rods, then the doctor will decide whether to move to a cast or a walking boot. I've heard nasty things about walking boots. I already have pain in my knee and hip from compensating for the injured foot, and I can't imagine a boot will help much. Input? Suggestions?

Today was another lazy day. Right now I'm not-really-watching the news and finishing off a pint of gelato brought to me by a generous friend. Dark chocolate and lavender-honey. I normally don't like flower-flavored food, but this is divine. It doesn't taste like soap or air freshener, just a subtle fresh flavor that happens to balance out the dark chocolate perfectly. If you're local, this can be found at Dolcetti in the Avenues. I assume they'd carry the same flavors at the 9th & 9th location.

The gory pictures

I don't have a copy of my x-rays, so I'll try my best to describe what happened to my ankle. We're still trying to figure out how exactly it happened, but it appears that my foot moved and my ankle didn't. The tibia (the big bone) didn't break but got dislocated and broke through the skin. That's what I saw when I looked down at my leg in the accident. There was surprisingly little blood. I guess none of the major vessels were damaged. All sorts of ligaments, however, and possibly some tendons got damaged in the process, and the lower part of my fibula (the small bone) pretty much shattered. It also broke in a couple places higher up, but those breaks are in good alignment and don't need further support. On Thursday I felt that higher break go "pop" and had more pain there, so on Friday we went in to have it checked it out.

They took x-rays that looked fine, but my dressings were pretty grody, so she changed them. This was my first good look at the contraption holding my leg together, officially called an "external fixator." James likes to call it the Eiffel Tower. One night as my meds were wearing off, I was confused to have a pinching pain in my shin. Then I remembered that I have a screw in my shinbone. Oh yeah.

The stitches that go across the front of my leg are the original wound. I didn't look too closely at the time, but it seems bigger than I expected. Maybe they opened it further during surgery.

 Yes, that's a rod going through my heel bone. And yes, I do feel like a kebab.

This is where they cut me open to put a plate and a bunch of pins to hold my shattered fibula together. I have to say this is the messiest incision/stitches I've ever seen. I hope it's not an indication of the surgeon's overall skill. I'm not impressed with his general demeanor and customer service. But I'll take what I can get.

And here's what I get to look at for the next little while. I have an appointment Friday to have the stitches removed and to determine when the rods come out. The next step is a cast, and then maybe a boot. The physical therapist said today that it might be three months before I can put enough weight on the ankle to walk on it. I should be able to drive again when I'm no longer taking narcotic pain meds, and once I get a cast I can get a knee scooter that will allow me to be more mobile.

This ankle will always be stiff and prone to soreness. I will never be a runner or a ballerina. But I will be able to hike and bike and do all the other normal things I want to do. I think I'll start with water aerobics. Maybe around Christmas. That reminds me--our handicapped parking pass expires on Christmas, so let me know if you want a good parking spot at the mall. We'll give you a lift. :)

What my summer blog posts were supposed to look like

Here are some fun things we did this month and had planned to do frequently.

Grilling!

Laughing together outside!

Let Atticus get soaked to the skin in the sprinklers

Visit local destinations like the Kennecott copper mine 

Hike the beautiful trails just minutes from our door

Ward campout and music with friends 

Climb lots of rocks

Enjoy beautiful mountain lakes

And then last Wednesday a lot of that changed. We were on our way up Big Cottonwood Canyon to venture out on another beautiful hike to another beautiful lake (Twin Lakes by Brighton). About a mile up the canyon, we started around a corner and saw a large truck in our lane. Less than a second later, the scene looked much like this:

My first thoughts were inventory: James is talking and moving; no apparent injury. Atticus is freaking out and breathing; no apparent injury. How are we still all alive? How are we this ok? I am breathing and talking, but there's a gaping wound on my ankle and my foot is hanging funny. My leg is broken.

I smell chemical smoke from the airbags, now sagging uselessly. The engine block is hissing, people are yelling. James has taken Atticus to the side of the road. He tells me they're ok and checks out my leg. I call 911. Why is it taking so long to connect? Oh, I forgot to hit "send." Now it's ringing. I tell them what happened. They want an address. An address? We're on the road in Big Cottonwood. Where the hell is there an address? Having reached the limits of my usefulness, I pass the phone to a witness who knows exactly where we are. The other driver comes by several times, freaked out and apologetic. 

Soon paramedics arrive and the next stage of our surreal adventure begins. More on that tomorrow.